Scars are Sexy: Part Six

It was the end of January and I was on a snowboarding trip. I took a spill and twisted up my knee. I heard a loud “pop” and thought for sure my ACL was gone. An MRI later confirmed that there were no ligaments damaged, but my tibia and femur had smacked together while the leg twisted in such a way that I wound up with a rotational stress fracture on my tibial plateau. While the stress fracture would heal in due time, the MRI also showed something that would not…the lack of cartilage under my patella. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had a congenital condition where I was apparently born without trochlear grooves (the little notch where the knee cap is supposed to glide). This caused my kneecaps to sublux (aka dislocate), which over time led to the wearing down of cartilage under the patella and was beginning to cause some instability in the patellofemoral joint. Not one surgeon in the area could offer a solution, all they kept telling me was I would never run or snowboard again. I was referred to a specialist in Philly.

I sobbed hysterically. Two of the things I loved were being taken from me and there was nothing I could do about it. All I kept thinking was “I am going to get fat again.” I went to see the specialist in Philly that May and was on the schedule for double kneecap replacements June 30th. The surgical specialist told me I would be back on my snowboard, would be able to do my yoga, swim, bike, and be active, but could not guarantee I would ever run again. I felt better knowing I would be able to be active, but was a mess about the possibility of never running. At the risk of sounding lame it was almost as if I was dealing with a death. I was in denial, then angry, then sad… I was mourning the loss of my friend – running.

As I was wheeled back for my surgery I remember saying a prayer… I asked God to please help me to be active enough post op that I don’t get fat and to please give me the strength during the recovery process that I don’t fall back into my old habits. I also prayed that I would be able to dress myself and wipe my own ass… for my sake and my mothers’. When I woke up from surgery and first saw my knees I realized that not only would I have to deal with emotional scares, but I now was going to have some pretty ugly physical ones as well. The only part of my body I ever really liked were my legs. They were athletic, toned, and made me feel good about myself. I was actually nicknamed “legs” by the men’s lacrosse team in college. I thought it was because I ran so much but later found out it was because they all thought I had the nicest legs on the field hockey team (the fact that I had last dibs on uniforms as a freshman and was left with the shortest kilt may have contributed to this nickname as well). Whatever the reason, it was a nice confidence boost. But as I sat there in the hospital bed looking at the 21 staples running over both knees I felt defeated. Not only may I never run again, but now my most favorite part of my body was an ugly mess. The thought of wearing shorts or dresses repulsed me. I felt like no matter how pretty I tried to make myself look all anyone would ever see would be the nasty scares that took up about 6 inches on both legs.

Recovery was a struggle; mentally, physically, and emotionally. I couldn’t really do any cardio for several weeks so I was incredibly meticulous with my diet. Every morning I woke up and looked at the scares on my knees and felt disgusted. The swelling would subside, but the scares would remain. I battled my eating disorder demons EVERY SINGLE DAY… and I am proud to say I made it through without gaining any weight or slipping back into my old ways. I worked my ass off in therapy because it was the only real exercise I could do at the time. As walking became more doable I would take my cane and go for walks around my neighborhood (the old people loved this, we had pleasant conversations about knee replacements, hip replacements, we compared scares and swapped stories – this made me realize that if someone twice my age could get through this, then so could I). Eventually I was able to elliptical for a half hour a pop, and started to be able to walk without my cane and log some more miles at a faster clip.

All my hard work and prayers paid off because when I saw my surgeon for my 2-month post op I was cleared to snowboard, swim, bike, and much to my surprise… RUN! Of course I knew I wasn’t going to be running any time soon, but just being told that made me want to cry tears of joy! I jumped off the exam table and gave him a big squeezy hug! My original game plan was going to be to wait 1 full year before starting to run, but when you have so many running friends that are “enablers” (I say this with love, lol) one year was reduced to 6 months. Next thing I knew I was 8 months post op and completed my first 5k since surgery. A year and a half post op I celebrated with my first half marathon with the new kneecaps. The biggest accomplishment thus far, however, was on Sept. 7th 2014 (3 years and 3 months post op) when I crossed the finish line of my first FULL marathon after my surgery.

I have no idea how many more miles these knees will give me, but I will tell you this… I have learned a great deal from this journey. I have learned that even if I am not able to run I can still “one up” my eating disorder. While running may make fighting my battle a little easier, I have learned that there are ways to cope even when I am not able to run. I don’t have to run to maintain my weight, but I like to run because it makes me happy. I have also learned to show off my scars rather than cover them up. I have become very open with my struggle in hopes that it will help others, but more so because admitting it makes me stronger to keep fighting it.

I have come to terms with my “battle wounds” from my surgery. Now when I look at the scars on my knees I smile. I smile because I no longer see them as a blemish, but rather as a symbol of what I have overcome. They make me feel like a badass and make me want to go back to that doctor that told me I would never run again and prance around with my marathon medal around my neck and my middle finger in the air.

Today my weight fluctuates between a healthy 130-135 pounds. I have learned to accept my body for what it is. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have a “thigh gap” or “6 pack abs” but I am okay with that. I have come to be at peace with my body and am learning to challenge it in new ways, accept what it will allow me to do, and respect what it may not be able to do (this is what yoga has taught me along the way). I am learning to own my scars, and I think everyone should do the same because scars are SEXY!!! In closing I would like to leave you with some lyrics from one of my favorite songs by the band Rise Against:

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours first.

Let’s compare scars, I’ll tell you whose is worst. Let’s unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words…”

#melissa #personal #eatingdisorder #ED #scarsaresexy