The Verse That Saved Me

There was one night in my freshmen year of college, four short years ago, where I find myself in a confusing dark place. Well, it was also nighttime, therefore, it was dark already. But that’s not the point. The point was, I was forced awake in the middle of the night. I was not sure what for, but as soon as I awoke, I realized I was not myself. I felt off. I felt panicked. I lay in bed, forcing myself to close my eyes and go back to sleep, to escape this strange sensation that was washing over me. But that did no good. Next thing I knew, I was struggling to catch my breath and I remember feeling so scared lying there in my room. I tried to keep quiet, as a courtesy to my roommate, but I had to get out of that room and now.

It was the middle of the night at this point and I found myself sitting in the hallway, with my back against my door, knees pulled up to my chest, and arms wrapped about my legs. And I sat there. I could not breathe, and I could not move. And I just remember thinking to myself “I cannot go back into that room”. Meaning my actual bedroom. I wish I had an explanation even now about this sudden fear of my own bedroom, but I just could not go back in there. It was dark in there. It was light in the hallway, therefore, I felt safer. So I just sat there. I forget how long I did, but eventually I was able to force myself back into the room. But I moved slowly when I first entered back in, feeling as if I was hiding from an invisible monster. And I eventually forced myself back to sleep.

I had numerous encounters with this invisible monster throughout the rest of my first year of college. What was this monster exactly? I believe it was anxiety manifesting itself into this dark cloud that threatened to cut off my breathing whenever I stopped to think about it. I struggled a lot of my first year of college, and this anxiety was simply not helping.

I felt like a very sheltered child when I entered college. And I am thankful for that, but being a homebody certainly took its toll on adjusting to living on my own at school. I was not used to being away from my family and the familiar surroundings that I had come to know for eighteen years. In addition to being a fish out of water, I was placed in an advanced science course because the first year chemistry course I was supposed to take was overbooked. So young Johnna was placed in Anatomy & Physiology with sophomores and juniors, and boom, anxiety haven.

Coming from high school, I was the one always to keep the A’s. And I convinced myself that this was a mentality that I could uphold in college. But that A&P class kicked me on my butt and made me realize that as long as I pass, I’m all good. But I forced myself through it, like how I do with every other thing I make myself do no matter how much I hate it. Granted, I’ll complain the entire time, but I’ll force myself through it one way or another. But a lot of my anxiety stemmed from that class in addition to every other adjusting issues college freshmen all have.

My next biggest encounter with my anxiety was when I made the mistake of eating Domino’s pizza late at night while up studying with my A&P final the night before the test. It was my first college final of course, and I had worked myself up to high heaven in panic. It ended with me crying in a shower stall after I threw up all the junk food we had eaten, as I called my mom on the phone. This was the first time her phone was charging in the kitchen, so I ended up calling my one friend from down the hall to sit with me at 3 a.m. in the middle of a shower stall. To this day, my mom charges her phone in her bedroom, so whenever I call (and it has happened late at night a few times), she will pick up for me. Side note: I can no longer eat or even smell Domino’s pizza anymore. Ewh.

So I struggled. I went home every weekend, and felt the large lump forming in my throat every Monday morning ride back to the campus. I told my dad on the rides back that I always felt like throwing up, and how it felt like there was a hard ball in the back of my throat, and I could not stand the idea of going back every week. I look back now and think if I stayed up at school more in the beginning, all of my anxiety about traveling back and forth would have lessened. But at the time, going home diminished all my feelings.

I continued to fight my anxiety, forcing myself to go to meals even though I always felt sick at the idea of food. Gum became my savior, and it still is. When I get anxious and feel sick, I always chew on a piece of gum and it helps. I highly recommended to take stocks out on gum companies because I will certainly make you some cash on that deal.

But then I found something that helped relieve some of my anxiety. A certain bible verse. I think about to this verse even today, and I believe that this verse saved me that year. Psalm 34:4 states “I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears”. This was my saving grace. I found this online because I spent hours googling quotes/verses for dealing with anxiety. And upon reading this one, I found sudden peace. I took to writing this verse on my mirror and it stayed there the rest of the year. Whenever I was in my room studying or finding myself feeling that fear stir up inside me, I looked to Psalm 34:4 written on my mirror every time and it helped. This began what I believed strengthen my relationship with my faith and God. My relationship has been a struggle the past four years, because after my freshmen year I found that my college life was really looking up. I was moving on from my bad first year, my anxiety was essentially non-existent, and I was beginning to really grow in my role as a student and campus member. And that’s when I forgot all about that verse that got me through such a large internal struggle I had with myself. And I’m ashamed because of that. When things get good, we forget to thank those who got us through the bad. This includes family, friends, and most certainly God. And I will admit that I got lost over the next few years because things were going well. I was adjusted, I was moving on, and I felt that I did not need anything else.

And this thinking always shamed me. Because I should have been glorifying the Father and the quote that I was always murmuring to myself to get me through those dark nights awake in my room. And I began to really revisit my relationship when I entered graduate school and I felt the anxiety creeping back up. I was tossed into a whole new world, going from easy undergraduate courses to doctorate level courses. I was a resident assistant that was now on a staff of two (myself included), and the administration was continuously giving me unnecessary crap, I was continuing my work at the senior class president, as well as working part-time on the weekends. So I didn’t leave myself breathing room. And the academics were forcing me back into that lighted hallway, scared of my own bedroom.

So I ran to my bible. And I found my verse, and reread it over and over again each time I felt anxious. And I tried to return myself back to the path that God had set for me, because I had forgotten about whom it was who had gotten me through my terrible moments in my first college year. This is a relationship I am working on today; it’s a relationship that I’ll continue to work on for the rest of my life. But I do know I owe getting through it all to Him. But even to this day, that verse is my saving grace, and continues to get me through a lot of the challenges that I am faced with daily.

So if you find yourself feeling scared, anxious and it won’t go away, try looking up that verse. Write it down on a post-it note on your desk, or in your planner; put it somewhere you will see it each and every day. I promise you, it will bring you peace.

But then again, what would I know?

Until next time,

Johnna

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