I AM ENOUGH!

Melissa
Aug 6, 2015
10 min read

This summer I made a vow to myself to take the time for ME and to do things that not only make me happy, but also challenge me to face my fears and step a little out of my comfort zone. I took to blogging as a means of “self-therapy” to get some of my thoughts and feelings out about some issues that had been plaguing me. I felt I was making some pretty solid progress until the past few days when my anxiety started to kick in.

My summer started off full throttle with an epic vacation to Hawaii, followed by back-to-back trips to Boston for some baseball and the Foo Fighters in Fenway, as well as some great times with some good friends. I was having a blast until I woke up Aug. 1st and came to the realization that pretty soon it will be time to go back to work – which meant time to be stressed out and made to feel as though I am not good enough at what I do unless my students perform proficient to some state standard. I used to really love my job, and I do consider myself fortunate to work with a great team of people, but it drives me crazy that my job performance is being judged by a handful of people who have never even met me nor stepped foot in my classroom.

I was voicing my frustrations to a friend when I was met with the typical “non-teacher” response of “well at least you have your summers off…I mean you have the perfect job!” This just made me even more agitated and instead of giving them my typical “well you could always go to this place called ‘college’ and get a degree to teach so you could have summers off too…” I quipped back with the fact that the only summer I ever had “off” was when I had double kneecap replacements, and that was only because I physically could not work. I explained that as a single homeowner I do not have the luxury of doing absolutely NOTHING during my summer despite what the general public believes. I always pick up a job during the summer as well as a few side jobs throughout the year because I need the extra cash to pay off my loans and credit cards that I have had to take out for when I needed a car (because mine was totaled), or to fix my bathroom when it sprung a leak into my dining room, or to buy a new hot water heater when mine kicked the bucket. I then made the mistake of saying to her that it must be nice to have a significant other to help out when things like this happen to her and then she muttered a phrase that made me want to bitch slap her… “Well the grass isn’t always greener…” Whenever my friends who are in relationships tell me how “lucky” I am to be single and that the “grass isn’t always greener” I want to scream back “well at least you got someone to mow the damn lawn…” and no offense, but if the grass isn’t greener why are you still wasting your time trying to maintain it? I didn’t even want to get started on how “not so perfect” my career actually is…

The following morning I woke up still agitated. I was reading a fellow blogger’s post about ‘perfection’ and how unattainable it actually is. All of a sudden I was reminded of my “type A” personality and how bad I am at sometimes allowing other people to make me feel that I have to keep trying to be “perfect” for them and meet their needs 24/7. I often times let people make me feel as though I am somehow less deserving than they are, and that I somehow don’t deserve certain things unless I prove myself worthy. I know this is my issue, and I had blogged about it earlier, but after reading my friend’s post it made me realize just how much I allow people to take advantage of me and how I feel I have to uphold this image of how I am too strong to ever need help.

I have begun to realize just how selfish and self-centered some people really are. There are some people who never make it a point to want to do things with me or make me a part of their life until their life is in shambles or they need a favor. Then all of a sudden my phone is blowing up with “hey, how have you been?” Shortly followed by a detailed explanation of whatever is going wrong in their life. I am their BFF until their storm passes, then they disappear until the next crisis arises. Amazingly when the shoe is on the other foot, however, it’s a completely different story. When I am struggling I am told “Oh you’re so strong and independent, you will figure it out on your own…” or “there are people who have it WAY worse than you do…” or the “God only gives you what you can handle..”

Listen people… there are times when I don’t need, nor want, your proverbial sunshine bullshit blown up my ass. Sometimes what I need is for you to simply say “I am really sorry you are feeling this way! That really sucks and I wish I could do something to fix your problems but I can’t. What I can do, is I can be here to listen and support you as much as you need until you figure it out.” I give up my time, my workouts, my sleep, and sometimes my sanity to listen to you when you think the world is crashing down around you because I think you are worth it. So it really makes me feel like shit and like I am somehow not good enough when you aren’t willing to do the same things for me that you expect me to do for you. I have often been told that I need to “put myself first” and “don’t bottle things inside” yet when I deny you my time to take care of myself I am called a “selfish bitch.” When I try to be less of a pessimist and focus on the things that make me happy, I am then accused of bragging and fishing for people to tell me how awesome I am (says the boy who refuses to drop online dating sites because he craves the attention girls give him when they “wink” at him or tell him he’s pretty).

So it seems no matter what I do I cannot win; but what I am learning is that this shouldn’t even be a game. My relationships with people should not have to be one-sided where I am the one who is always being the pedestal to hold others up. As I read my friend’s post there were some words that struck a chord with me…

“There is no model for perfection…because perfection isn’t a reality… there is no such thing as ‘perfect’ – Perfect usually comes with a price.”

For me that price has been allowing people to walk all over me and them make me feel like I am not good enough when I need help. As if me asking for help somehow means I did not do something right and it shouldn’t be their “problem” to waste their time supporting me. And when I do stand up for myself then I am dubbed a “bitch.” Instead they offer me what they see as “simple” solutions to my problems, such as…

“Oh your job is too stressful? Just quit and find something you like” – As if I didn’t already look into other options, only to find that most would require a huge pay cut that would make it damn near impossible to afford my mortgage and bills, to which I am then told…
“Well then sell your house and rent a small apartment” – Oh, okay, because the housing market is so awesome right now that I would actually LOSE money on my home and would be pissing away just about as much money in rent and utilities with no equity being earned, unless I move to a neighborhood where I need bars on my windows and a bulletproof vest to get to and from my car…if it doesn’t get stolen. Then I am told…
“Have you considered a roommate?” – Yes, yes I have but:
I have only one bathroom and am always on the go, so when I need it, I need it, I cannot be waiting on someone else to be done in my shower
Should said roommate burn the house down or allow someone in my home that damages or steals something, I am at a loss.
I am pretty sure if I am collecting $500+ / month from someone I am fairly certain the IRS is going to want to know about it, so in the long run how much am I really saving?
The amount of stress and anxiety it would cause me to be constantly worrying about something happening when I am not around is not worth the few dollars I may save.
After busting my ass for 15 years as a professional I should not need a freaking roommate!

My favorite advice, however, is the advice I get on dating and relationships. When I tell my friends about the struggle of being single I get the following:

“Maybe you should sell your house and move somewhere new and start over – fresh!” – Please refer to advice from #1 and #2 listed above…and yes! That is a great idea, because on top of the financial stress this would cause I also will now be away from my family and friends who do actually care about me…

“Maybe you should get a pet” – Apparently you missed the part where I told you I work other jobs to help pay my bills, so I am going to get the time and money to care for a pet from where???

“Maybe you should try dating someone that isn’t your ‘type’” or “Well he is a nice guy, maybe he will grow on you over time” – Yes – because I love to settle, lead people on, waste both their time and mine, when after a few dates I wasn’t feeling it…but hey maybe if I give him 3 more years he will ‘grow’ on me and I will be smitten… Or my all time favorite…

“Stop trying so hard, it will happen when you least expect it!” – Funny how when I said that very same thing to some of you when you were single you did not seem to appreciate that advice. I also remember wiping away your tears countless times, listening to you pine over your exes (no matter how big of an asshole they were) and even accompanying you on “drive bys” past said exes’ homes or favorite places to hang out. I gave you as much time as you needed to “grieve” your breakup and failed relationships so don’t judge me or belittle me for how long it may take for me to get over mine. Just because you found the “one” doesn’t mean you should forget what it was like when you were in my shoes.

The more I thought about some of the things that people say to me and how they treat me, the more I began to feel as though maybe there was something wrong with me and that I had more to work on than I originally thought. But as I sat there reading those words my friend had wrote “there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’,’ I knew she was right.

There is no “perfect person”

There is no “perfect body”

There is no “perfect job”

There are no “perfect relationships”

And even when you think someone is perfect on the outside, you often discover they are not so perfect on the inside – which I think is way more important. That “perfect couple” with the white picket fence and fancy cars – did you know that the romance is dead and that they are both “secretly” using tinder to cheat on each other? That girl with the “perfect body” at the gym – did you know she cries herself to sleep at night because she is tired of either starving herself or making herself vomit to keep that body? What I am learning is that I spent a large amount of my life chasing “perfect.” And frankly, I am freaking exhausted.

I reached out to my friend after reading her blog and vented all this to her (poor thing – I’m fairly certain that this was not how she wanted to start her Sunday morning). But she took the time to listen, and in doing so, she gave me just three words of advice:

“I AM ENOUGH”

I shut down my lap top and got on my yoga mat (something I have kind of been neglecting lately) and as I went through my practice and focused on my breath I made those three little words my mantra. I began to reflect back a few weeks ago on something someone said to me that I thought was crazy. A friend had told me that she wished she could be more like me and follow me around just for a day. I thought “you want to be single, struggling financially, working your ass off, and being made fun of at times just simply for being yourself?” But what I failed to catch on to was what my fellow blogger was trying to tell me – “I AM ENOUGH.” To my friend who wanted to be me for a day, I WAS ENOUGH to her.

I am not perfect. I never will be and I don’t have to be. I don’t need to be enough for anyone except for myself, because the right people will realize that I AM ENOUGH. I am enough for me, and that’s all I really need to be. And to those who think I am somehow looking for validation from others to tell me I am awesome, guess what, I am freaking awesome! I don’t need anyone to tell me that because I know I am! I am because I survived a lot of shit to get to where I am today.

Oh yeah – and the next time one of you non singles tries to tell me how lucky I am to not be in a committed relationship my advice to you is going to be just as simple as your advice to me “So just end your relationship then…” and when you cry and tell me it isn’t that easy my response is going to be “neither is taking a huge pay cut and starting your life over at my age – but yet you seem to think it is.”

For those of you who have read my blog posts you are well aware of the roll that music plays in my life and that I usually like to end my posts with some lyrics from a song that holds special meaning to me. There is no better song for this blog than this one… (which coincidentally was written about rejection)

“These friends of mine will come and go,

I’m the first to leave and last to know,

I’ll be swimming in a face of flames,

For these friends of mine I’ve overpaid.

And I guess I wanted, I guess I wanted, I just want you to know…

All of these things made me who I am,

Maybe all of these things made me who I am ,

Maybe all of these things made me who I am,

And I am,

Only looking up when my head’s down”

Veins are glistening…

So thanks a lot for listening…