Scars are Sexy: Part Four

After a year I decided to go back to where I earned my bachelor’s degree and complete my teaching certificate in biology. I finished the program in a year, moved back home and landed an LTS position. By the following year I was engaged. This was when things started to head south. My ex and I were on opposite schedules, when we did see each other he never wanted me to work out, even if he was taking a nap. I was almost back up to 145 pounds and was feeling miserable about how I looked. Prior to our engagement we had decided that he would move closer to me, as there were more opportunities for both of us to find employment. Two years had gone by and he had yet to make any attempt to find a job or look at a single apartment in the area. If I went out with friends he would get pissed and went so far as to tell me that once we got married I would no longer be hanging out with my friends, rather I would be quitting my job and raising our children. When I asked him how we were going to afford that being I made twice what he did he bitched at me for belittling him. I knew at that moment I needed out. I told him I was done, and when he drove out to “talk” and “work things out” I gave him the ring back and said goodbye.

It was as if a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I remember calling my mom to tell her what had happened and she immediately left work to come home and make sure I was okay. I was better than okay, I was relieved! And at the risk of sounding harsh, I didn’t even cry. For the next two years I focused on my career and getting back to a regular workout schedule. I shed a few pounds and was holding steady between 135-140. After two years I started dating a guy that would become a nightmare. He was a bit of a bad boy, and was definitely not the type I usually went for. He came on strong and took initiative, which was refreshing at the time. Unfortunately he was a HUGE CHEATER! After he cheated on me the first time I walked away. I was fine until he came slithering back a few months later begging for forgiveness. We began talking again and my “put yourself in his shoes” mentality led me to give him a second chance, which he decided to cheat on me again! I gave him yet another chance, and at this time most of you are probably smacking yourself in the head saying “DUH MELISSA!” and wondering why I wouldn’t just walk away for good. Two reasons why I didn’t walk away:

1) I thought I could change him (if you have read my second blog “Mean

People Suck” you will see I hadn’t learned my lesson yet that you can’t change people, they have to actually want to change themselves)

2) He knew my battle with eating disorders and used it against me. Every time I would try to leave he would tell me “you’re too fat and no one else is going to want you.” I don’t believe that now, but I believed it back then.

He was a truly toxic person. I began dropping plans with my family and friends because he would lay a guilt trip on me if I chose them over him. I was pushing away, and being a bitch to the people who loved me most just to try and keep him happy. It wasn’t until I drove a wedge between myself and my family and a very good friend up and left me that I finally gained the confidence to walk away for good. He has contacted me several times over the past few years and I am proud to say that I have had ZERO desire to return any contact. It may have taken me five and a half years, but I haven’t looked back and I don’t plan to. It also took a while, but I made amends with my family and with some of my friends. It’s amazing how much of your identity you lose when you are in a relationship with the wrong person – something I need to always remember for the future. I had changed who I was and had done many things that were out of character for me just to please him.

#melissa #personal #eatingdisorder #ED #scarsaresexy