Bye Bye Bye- Toxic Friendships

In the past four years of my time away at college, I have found myself struggling more and more with what being a “good friend” entitles. I have often spent time reflecting on why I seemed to have a different set of friends with each new passing school year. I began to feel that each new school year was a new book in my life, with a whole new plot line and list of characters. And at first I thought nothing of it; I was just simply moving on, living life as it goes. I had hurt after moving on from different friends, but I forced myself to realize that it was for the best….for me.

Often times we get so caught up in pleasing others, putting the needs of others’ before our very own. I myself am very guilty of this. I am by definition, a people pleaser. And maybe this is why I am always so hard on myself? But that is for another post entirely.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have experienced a lot of hurt these past few years. The hurt has come from romantic relationships, friendships, and even my relationship with myself. But with each struggle we endure, we only grow stronger from them. But essentially, I want to focus on my growth and lessons learned from past failed friendships. And most importantly, why it is okay to walk away from toxic friendships. Sometimes I feel that we like to hold onto people just for mere comfort, but we forget why we remain in that relationship anymore.

My friends in the past have always struggled with me hanging out with people other than themselves. It started my second year of school when I became a Resident Assistant. My friends from the previous school year expressed to me several times how they did not like me hanging out with my other RA friends, but they did not understand. We tried to talk things through, but I eventually found out (as all people do) about the hurtful things they were saying behind my back. I’m one of those people, who loses respect for others quickly, and it is nearly impossible to grow back from that position in my eyes. And I remember just feeling so victimized. I was inviting them to come visit me while I was on duty in my room, and the responses I got back where basically telling me how inconvenient it was for them to come to my building to visit. Their justification? It was easier for me to go to them because they all lived together in another building (even though when we are on duty, we are confined to our own building). And that hurt. Getting a text like that actually caused me to break down in front of one of my residents. Following that, I distanced myself from them. I would say hi to some members of that friend group when we passed each other in the hallways but some where downright cold. And I realized that they did not deserve more of my attention. Why should I put more effort in on my part, when they did not wish to return the favor? Granted, maybe this wasn’t the best outlook on that friendship, but at this point, I was over it. And hence, our friendship ended.

The past few years have just reinforced the idea that I was right to walk away from these friends. Last year, I attended a funeral honoring one’s father. I was closer with him, and his girlfriend, who I was also close with freshmen year, asked me to attend for support. Of course I attended. I then spent two hours at the funeral home listening to the girlfriend criticize my past relationship, saying how she doesn’t believe that he had stayed faithful to me, and yadda yadda yadda about her feelings about it. I felt so uncomfortable! This wasn’t the time nor the place to criticize something I was involved in almost a year prior to. I went to support him in a darker time; I did not sign up to be talked down to for two hours straight. I could not wait to get out of there.

I was starting to learn a lesson at this point, but I think the biggest lesson came from the following year. I recently found myself bowing out of a friendship with several other girls. Why was this? Because I feel that real friends don’t talk down about each other behind backs, but then turn around and make that girl her woman crush Wednesday. That does not fly in my book. I also think a large reasoning of why I had to step away from these girls was because of different lifestyles. I was raised to hold a job, and essentially work my ass off. So these girls did not understand that I was working all weekend long at the end of the school week. I was actually accused of being the cause of their boredom on the weekend. And they did not understand that I was always busy and could not place them first when they wanted. And maybe this was a fault on my end, but the amount of crap I had gotten in the aftermath, or lack of, perhaps, is another way to say it. Soon followed were awkward classes (same major probs), stony silences, and some ignored text messages.

It felt awkward on my end with these individuals. I tried figuring out what was wrong with the one friend individually, and after a sleepless night of waiting for a text as a response, I found out that a big reasoning behind the behavior was equivalent to middle school friendship drama. I tried to make things work, but I found that I did not want to put the effort in. They felt the need to remind me on several occasions how I almost owed them because of all of the “stuff” they had gotten me through within the past year.

This pissed me off. Friends, real friends who care, do not keep tally of what is owed. You should want to get your buddy through tough times because you care, and you can’t stand watching them in pain. But silly me for thinking that to be the truth.

So through text message, I broke up with my best friend.

I said, “I don’t think this is going to work anymore.”

And it was similar to feeling like I was breaking up with a boyfriend. But at this point I was so tired of everything. I was juggling a lot of stuff in both the professional and personal life, and rather than getting support from friends, I was being torn down because I was not appeasing to them. And I was done.

So I stepped away.

And honestly have not looked back since.

I did not mean to make this lengthy, but I just got a little carried away, I guess. I could go more into detail, but that is not the point I am trying to make. I guess when it all comes down to it, we will encounter people who are our friends, and then those who really shine as our friends. But I have gotten to this point where I think I know who I can fully trust to be there for me, and who would rather bitch me out for me doing me.

I had the absolute pleasure of rooming with some of the most wonderful girls this past year at school. I adore each and every one of these girls, and I have had a fantastic year with these four individuals. And these girls in a span of a year have seen me at my worst, or if we were on a break, heard me at my worst over the phone. Will I remain friends with them for the years following school? I hope so. I really do. Because these girls have taken my side and shown that they will be there for me in present and future endeavors. But what makes them different is that they haven’t criticized my life decisions, they don’t talk down about me behind my back, and they push me (literally, haha) to do what makes me happy in the end.

The whole purpose of life I think is to find happiness (throwing a lil John Lennon in there). We should not be held down by negative people who bring more toxicity into our lives. And I have had my fair share of toxic people I have come across and allowed into my life (perhaps a little longer than I should have). But that is a part of life. Learning lessons, and sometimes these lessons are hard and they hurt. But I think that is what makes us even stronger. But if you realize that someone is not treating you like you deserve, someone is not showing the true meaning of friendship, then it is not worth your time anymore. Life is too short to spend your energy on people who do not deserve it.

So take a breath. A deep one.

And realize that you are worth more than a toxic friendship. So take another deep breath….

….and step away.

It may be hard at first, but it literally is a breath of fresh air. I was scared to say goodbye to my friends of a few years, but the environment was negative. And it was not helping my physical and mental health anymore. So a goodbye was in order. And since then, I have grown to learn to say goodbye to relationships that are not healthy; the toxicity will eventually overcome you and you’ll continue to struggle to breathe. And it’s not worth it. Truly, it isn’t. Trying to continue a friendship that is based upon a continuous negativity is not healthy for either party, and sometimes it is better to walk away, to save yourself. Because there will come a time when you must put yourself above all others, and that is a concept difficult for some individuals to understand.

So walk away. And find yourself a friend who will bring you Dunkin and chocolate after a break up. Find a friend who will watch your crappy teenage sci-fi drama every Monday night with you. Find the friend that you can call at 2 a.m. and you know they will pick up for you. Find the friend who will listen to you rave on and on about the same old guy for days and will actually listen, rather than getting irritated. Find the friend who makes you a better friend.

And they are out there, maybe a little difficult to find, but they are.

But then again, what would I know?

Until next time,

Johnna

#johnna #toxicfriendships #friendships #relationships #blog #blogging