Scars are Sexy: Part Two

My first Christmas break was not an easy one. Having a large family meant tons of holiday parties and having to be around a shit ton of food I knew I should not be eating. I knew a lot of my family members were whispering behind my back about my “condition.” This pissed me off and stressed me out which led me to binge on all the holiday goodies. I panicked because I couldn’t exactly purge myself without my family hearing me in the bathroom and asking what was going on, so I had to get creative. Enter my abuse of laxatives…Yep, that’s right…ex lax became my new BFF. It was GREAT! At that time it came dressed up as a chocolate bar. I got to feel as though I was eating chocolate (albeit it was an “acquired” taste) and it helped me get rid of all the crap (pun intended) I was chowing down on. Then came mistake #4... For those of you who may not be aware of this, you can overdose on ex lax and it isn’t pretty! One day after a particularly large binge, I felt justified in consuming the entire box of ex lax. My stomach distended and cramped up so badly that I thought I was going to die. I didn’t want to tell my parents but I had no choice as I thought for sure I needed to go to the ER. I lied and told them I was having trouble going to the bathroom since coming home and had used the entire box throughout the course of the day. After calling the doctor and being told that all I could do was “ride it out” I vowed I would never abuse laxatives again.

When I went back to school for the spring semester, I went back with a doctor’s note requesting my cafeteria honor my vegetarian diet and also honor my request to have sauceless, butterless pasta and steamed veggies everyday for dinner. As I began to eat food with more sustenance my weight went back up to 112 pounds, which I was not happy about. I would run as much as possible and tried to do a second workout every day since I wasn’t playing a spring sport. On days when I didn’t feel I did enough cardio I purged. I always tried to opt for the cardio over the purging because I really did not enjoy the vomiting much and I knew the acid was not good on the esophageal lining or on the teeth… I didn’t want any “physical” signs that would raise a red flag when at the dentist. Things remained pretty status quo for that semester and summer. My weight fluctuated between 112-115 and my menstrual cycle actually started back up again after a solid 6 months being MIA.

When I returned for the fall of my sophomore year I began to slip again. I was enrolled in the dreaded Organic (“O”) Chemistry and also had an intense Anatomy and Physiology course. I was called in to the Athletic Director at the start of the field hockey season as a few teammates apparently voiced their concerns about my “condition.” This pissed me off and made me even more determined to keep up with my diet and exercise regimen. As the semester moved along we began a unit on eating disorders and their effect on the body. I felt like the lecture was being directed solely at me, which made me feel uncomfortable. The more I learned about what the disorders do to the organ systems the more anxious I became, so much so that I actually walked out mid lecture one day. I just kept telling myself I have a handle on what I am doing, that that stuff won’t happen to me… I was in denial.

Luckily for me this was the semester that a real life guardian angel was sent my way. I was at a local restaurant/bar with some friends when I had a chance meeting with a guy who attended a college down the road. As we started chatting it turned out his hometown was about 15 minutes from mine, in fact our high schools competed against each other. We were both science nerds so we became good friends fairly quickly. One day while we were hanging out at his house he sat me down and said to me “I want to tell you about my sister.” He started out telling me what an amazing runner she was. I thought, “cool, maybe he is about to offer me some insight into how I can improve my running”… WRONG! Instead he went into the details of how his sister can no longer run competitively, or do anything too intense for that matter, because she had sustained so much damage to her heart from years of living with anorexia.

At the time I thought he was making this up just to scare me. I blew the moral of the story off and juts pretended like I got the message. He knew I wasn’t buying into what was just said and he didn’t bring her up again until a few weeks later. I remember that day well. I was in my dorm waiting for him and another friend to come pick me up so we could hang out. I knew something was up because when I got in the car he said he needed to go to my student union center to get money out of the ATM there. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just hit up the bank ATM along the way, but whatever. I directed him to where the ATM was in the center but he wanted both myself and our other friend to all go in with him. I rolled my eyes and got out of the car. As we walked towards the ATM he took me by the arm and guided me into the on site counseling room. There was a woman standing behind the desk who greeted me and asked me to have a seat. I was so confused as to what was happening. The woman looked at me and said “Melissa, your friend has something he would like to say to you.”

What my friend said at that moment was the first step in my recovery process. He spoke very openly about what his sister’s eating disorder did to his family; not what it did to her… but how it affected him and his mom and dad. He talked about how it ripped them apart because they all wanted to help but didn’t know how. He talked about how scared he was that she was going to let this disorder kill her and how sad he would be if that happened. He said the most frustrating thing was that no matter how much they cared, it was out of their hands, the only person who could fix the problem was his sister, and unless she was willing to recognize she had a problem and take action to change her lifestyle no one else could do anything to help her. My other friend also spoke, but he spoke of his ex girlfriend’s battle with her eating disorder and how it eventually led to their breakup. At first I was angry; it enraged me that I was duped into an intervention. But the more I listened to their stories, the more I actually started to hear what they were saying. It is very easy to LISTEN, but not always easy to HEAR, especially when what is being said is forcing you to face your own demons. After my friends finished (which seemed like it took an eternity), the counselor asked if I had anything I wanted to say. I shook my head, said “Nope,” and walked out. I asked to be dropped off at my dorm, rather than go out and hang with them and they honored my request.

#melissa #personal #eatingdisorder #ED #scarsaresexy