What We Really Should Be Looking for in a Partner

When it comes to relationships, Elizabeth Gilbert said it best in her popular novel Eat, Pray, Love, when she states “I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

I felt like this woman was speaking to me. Through a Pinterest pin of course.

I have recently gotten out of a relationship, and I have been spending the past few weeks reflecting not only on the relationship, but also thinking about the person I have become and what I want for myself. I do not mean to sound self-righteous or place myself on a pedestal, but upon reflecting, I realized that I do not think any of my recent past relationships have helped progress myself into an individual that I would be proud of. I felt if anything, these relationships were almost dragging me down.

Please do not get me wrong, I have cared deeply for those I have dated, but when I look back, I keep feeling that it was me holding up my significant other, and it was always me doing the sacrificing and putting it all into the relationship as he just meandered on through on the sidelines. And while you are in any relationship, it is so incredibly difficult for you as the one half of the partnership to realize that yes, there are in fact flaws to the relationship. And of course, I do understand that every relationship has its flaws and quirks, but sometimes, the flaws I have noticed after exiting the relationship, are what would most likely break us down the road.

And as soon as I noticed these, I did not want to cause him pain by leading him on, nor did I want to add to my anxiety as I constantly told myself “everything would change if I asked”. Because as women, we all think we are capable of changing someone. We believe so much in this power of persuasion that we assume we have, that we can change a twenty-something year old to our preference. But that is not always the case. And if it is, should we not love our significant other because of who he or she is? Should we not want to change details about him/herself?

And then that is when I realized; that a future together, would not be the future I had in mind for myself. I felt selfish; I felt like the world’s worst person ever for realizing this and wanting out. But the more I thought about it, I realized I was not being fulfilled by the relationship. And that’s when I realized that I needed a partner to be my equal, not someone who I kept trying to adjust to what I had in mind.

I felt I was not given the support I needed to become the best me I could be. And I asked myself, “Isn’t that what our other half is meant to do?” Isn’t my future husband supposed to be someone who is always pushing me to do all that I can do? Isn’t he supposed to love me unconditionally, but in addition to just telling me multiple times a day, he shows me through the little actions and surprises as well? Is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with able to support himself, as well as have no second thoughts about making sacrifices for me as well? He should love that I have such a strong personality and that I can independently take care of myself, but realize that support and encouragement from him is crucial as well. He should be proud to have me by his side, and if he found himself with a negative attitude, not spread it to me as his partner, but try to find ways together to better it. I realized that the one I’m meant to be in love with, will make me feel like the best me.

And I was not feeling that.

But at first, I tried to reason with myself that maybe I could make him change. Make him more independent and willing to be the ideal partner that I needed. And I pictured it, I really could. But that is where I fell in love instead with my idea of what he could be with his highest potential, rather than who he was standing in front of me.

And that was not fair to either of us.

So after quite a bit of crying and rushing home to the comfort of my mama and my doggies, I realized that this relationship, as with all relationships, was a learning experience. I tried to take the aftermath in stride, as I began to see his true colors with how he dealt with this new change. I cannot lie and say I was not hurting. But after talking with my brother and mom, I realized it was more the habits that I was about to miss.

But I decided to work on myself and encouraged myself to find ways to expand my horizons and better myself as an individual. And I realized that this was not the person for me. But there would be one out there for me.

Reflection after this experience has been incredibly eye opening for me. With each passing relationship, I am coming to find what creates an amazing significant other. And I am holding on to the dream that the person God has intended for me will help me find the best me that I can be.

And I hope that you all realize this too. If you find yourself in a relationship where you find that it is always you struggling to make it work and putting all the effort in, it is okay to think of yourself. Love can be a funny thing, and sometimes those love goggles (shout out to my mama for that one) can cover up the things we do not wish to acknowledge. So my message to pass on is to find someone who makes you happy and makes you want to be the best person you can possibly be, and if someone does not do that for you anymore, it is okay to admit that. Because in the end, it is your life, and your happiness is what matters.

But then again, what would I know?

Until next time,

Johnna

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